Happiness This Way

The Blended Family – Hopes, fears and Tasks

The eternal hope, and no place is this more true than a few make the leap of faith in a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that his second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes courage to open his heart to try again! But, look: you'll have a better chance of success if you follow some important guidelines, especially if any of you have kids.

Let's face it: the relationship can be a challenge. Any long-term relationship between the two movements of people through a predictable series of stages and important, each step bringing something delicious and health care partners, and each stage full of obstacles and bumps in the road, either of which can dump a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually begin in the open – ie without the complications of children. For example, Most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they see no more, and nothing seems more important or interesting to spend time with his new love. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a solid foundation for a long long-term relationship. We in the field of counseling couples hoping to see a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this period of honeymoon. It's a bit like putting down a large deposit into a new home: it is investing a large amount of equity in the relationship, so that when the going gets tough – and they are tough – They both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important for both to take advantage. These rich memories we give the strength and determination to put effort into the relationship when it is most needed.

Couples who already have children from a previous relationship before meeting each other does not have the luxury of years of time where it is "just us." They hit the ground running, and live together, a difficult time for many couples, you may feel like they have just been hired to run a company when they feel like they're still in high school.
Traps – And What to Do about

Unrealistic expectations: Parents Hope Children fear

If you've been in a marriage (in this article, the reference to marriage if any form of relationship commitment in the long term, particularly if they have lived together, including marriages between same sex) that ended either by divorce or death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the fear of thinking that could go through it again. Most advice I people who are going through a divorce say they can not imagine dating, and have a terrible fear of daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.

But time heals, and remarriage are proof of the hope that marks us as human beings. Something strange happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take reality. We are not only idealists of our new love, we are dreaming of a future with our new love. Do not feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so do not feel so horrible – as we have failed once more – when things are not how they expect.

Great Expectations, is simply not realistic

These are just some of the expectations that parents unknowingly take his second marriage:

– The love will conquer all the
– Your children will love your new spouse, or even like them instantly
– Children of your partner will appreciate all the things you do for them as a stepfather or stepmother, and his partner will appreciate your help in raising
– That this marriage will be much better than the last time it failed
– For a Better Life
– Let everyone get along
– Have your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – The "Mary Poppins" myth
– The new marriage will automatically create the nuclear family structure, which will be in a "royal family" after all
– Let your partner's ex and former family, just go away. "I get my new husband / wife all to myself."
– What you and your new spouse / step-parent have an equal vote on matters of family

Of these expectations, I think the most common mistake new stepfathers who is waiting for these "new" children automatically love them. For the most part, simply not the case. The best gift you can give his new blended family is to the many children of time – even a year or two – To know that you are safe, worthwhile, and then, perhaps even sympathetic. But of course, only be possible if it is true.

Children are also hopes, but also have more fear

Children in families have mixed expectations too, but tend to be more realistic about not being in love with her new partner as quickly as you or more. But they have much to adjust, much more than most parents realize.

– The children hope to be happy in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun in the celebration of the family when mom or dad was a bachelor. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with it. And expect to benefit from there being more money, more gifts on their birthdays and holidays, perhaps the largest television in the room area. Children are children.

– Assume the biological father will be just as loving them as they were when they were single, but fear losing their parents the new couple

– That fear losing the attention of mom or dad, now tend to move to the brothers and family life more complicated. These fears from the myth "Wicked Stepmother." Nobody looks like the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.

– Fear that the new stepfather disapproves of them is simply to exist, and be a hard discipline. Although the movement is not the parents, the child may perceive that he or she be too hard, too disapproval since it is both a counterpoint to the deep abiding love which comes with being a biological father.

– Fear having to share his new life with the unknown happened to the brothers: have to share a room, time with the mother, the loyalties of the mother, the money available for college tuition or special trips, including inheritance.

– They fear losing contact with the noncustodial parent, especially if left to approach his new stepfather. They are very afraid of hurting the feelings of parents is residential. May also fear having to live in two homes, and care deeply about the parents are not with them when they are gone.

– Children are afraid to approach his new stepfather, only to discover that Mom or Dad to break with them, too, start a new devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Children desperately need to know that you can join a set of parents and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under his new stepfather's caution, there is often a desire to trust.

– The children often cling to the hope and even expectation that mom and dad will reunite someday. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children may think that all of you – Mom, Dad and stepfather live in a happy home forever. Even older children, adults and even children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.

Dealing with expectations, hopes and fears – The best prevention

No doubt the hope is a good thing. It's what keeps us and motivates us to create a better life. The only problem is when our expectations are wrong, is not realistic, and unexpressed. All too often become the expectations and all we have created for disappointment. After a failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel that not only new, but they are a failure. But this tragic loss can be avoided by knowing what to expect.

It is always smart sit down together and discuss as many of their expectations and assumptions as possible about the family life (do not hesitate to borrow from the list above.) is also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems arise: what are the expectations that have led to the situation? Many times we wait too long, we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. No, and can not. Even if they know our hopes, our hypothesis, which means that can be fulfilled, or even your job is to make us happy. Note that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task in the best cases, and perhaps try to put their hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these events could be possible, but certainly at the latest more than they wanted. The fact that not just happen, but they need our skills and patience to perform.

It is also important to spend time alone with their biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can not stand aside (ie, waiting so desperately that they will love your spouse can not bear to do but not how he or she) then support your child in having someone else to talk – with a counselor or another adult they trust. It is best if can talk to you and tell you their fears, but remember that you can be so afraid to tell you because you are missing. Children often resolve their problems with ease a Once you know that someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior on the road.

Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider and Outsider syndrome

Nobody wants to believe that entering a new marriage only to be excluded from the children to be part of the relationship. However, this is one of the most predictable than is produced in large families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build activities that bring teamwork and a sense achievement for the team for two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges, under the very existence of the children one or both of you in marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in marriage, because you have the task not only for you as a couple, but for you as an extended family. When it does happen, instead of feeling like a happy family and well unified, almost everyone feels like a stranger.

The stepfather feels as a stranger, because there are more than join a team (and their biological parents or their children) has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of "jokes" secret communication, nonverbal, that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and a lot of subtle references made about people who only known to the biological family. The stepfather is not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental discipline, and is often compromised by the biological father. This step makes the parents feel as if there was room for them, and often retreat to the attitude of why bother?

The child or children often feel they are part of the new love story between the biological father and stepfather again. If a child has become the subject of joint custody to both parents biological, and spend approximately equal time with both biological parents, often do not have a main home. After a week my dad, mom and back to Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is "just visiting." There is some hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with father divorced receiving regular time away from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of "married without children" together time. They can come again and recharge your batteries. But when children return, you may feel like they are being introduced into the romantic era of the new couple. There are changes at home have not been part of, even as simple as cleaning the house. And while parents are adjusting to being back children, children collect sensitive which had interrupted something, as if smoothing the clothes of an intimate moment.

If both parties have children and a set of children live with another parent and "visitation" the other parent who is now in a new marriage, "children who visit to" feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child, I visited my dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from his marriage. I barely knew my father, much less his second wife and my half brother and a half sister. While they were very friendly and affectionate, and I readily accepted his "tribe" had no doubt that the new person was. I felt like a stranger in the house of my father. After my mother remarried, her second husband two children, who lived with his mother, visiting from time to time, until were old enough to choose for themselves do not go. They were so wrong for my mother, and even his father (my stepfather) who felt sorry for being with us. My brother told me much later than we think – my mother and sisters were his father's "royal family", as he and his sister, my stepfather "real children "Were the result of a mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a stepparent or stepmother joined so well with his new family for the new set of children, stepchildren and biological children if the new spouse, trumpet children from previous marriage. This plays out in important family functions, where the biological children do not play any role – even at the funeral of their parents.

The only do not feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological father. Far from having the role of "easy" to be played by the mediator, and often feel terribly divided between children and their spouses. Most of the responsibility to make the new work structure of the family seems to fall on his shoulders. It is often easier biological parent to maintain the function of a single parent with children, as if the father happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The ongoing challenge to keep each side of the equation – children and wife – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some come to the task, exhausting as it is, and follow trying to cultivate a relationship between the spouse and children. Some give up when it seems that the two sides never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, actually move away from one side or the other – his children or his wife – because for the integration is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to the defeat of the marriage, and no wins.

The tug of war is even worse when one or both spouses are former co-parenting of their children. This ex-spouse usually comes with his family, who the biological father should at least cooperate for the good of children. If both partners have children and remarry a former spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and laws in many directions!

From Lonely Outsider "Doh Doh-Si-: Finding the rhythm of the dance

There is no way everyone will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to do that is normal for everyone to be in a dance together, and make the fun of dancing. Another essential duties of the marriage is for the couple is comfortable with the other separation or individuation – following the call of its development life. This can be an obstacle for many couples who are reluctant to move from an early close symbiosis in which all they do is together. However, making this step is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in the fight against insecurity, when the jealousy between the children and spouses arise. In Essentially, it comes to finding the balance in the whole world needs the biological father – the axis of the family – a little less, and we hope they begin to interact with each other – and stepfather children step brothers together – and longer.

Stepparents can be creative about ways to connect with children of their new spouse. It's a good idea for parents to discuss how the change to parents may be more involved, attend parent-teacher conferences at school to teach a child ability of the stepparent can do, attending basketball games together, or simply take the time to listen to children talk about their day. I found that when children are not opened immediately, sometimes just hang out in the same room without the television on, giving rise to the conversation. And the conversation results thus discover things about their children. Indeed, the challenge of not spending time on television together with the kids is not limited to blended families – all the world struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, and then look around for a fun way to leave the house – together.

Balance of Power, energy not Fight

Not only is there a challenge in the balance of alliances and keep everyone happy. There is often a tug of war for power.

Often in a trial Divorce is one of the parents in the hope of having more control over their children's lives that the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share custody joint, which means that both parents have to communicate in making decisions for their children. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new stepfather, how involved should the new step-parent be?

A new stepfather has a role difficult to fill: he or she is a parent, friend, a babysitter or an adult who just happens to share living space? The unfortunate side effect of not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents as a team, children learn that they can play one parent against the other. They do so in biological nuclear families, but make it even more blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parents to feel guilty (it's an easy place to go – usually parents feel guilty and for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. One of the biological parents feel uneasy about the style of the new stepfather to discipline, so to speak "Save" the child. The new stepfather loses its power, and the boy who learns he or she can get away with anything.

Sometimes, a new stepfather feel they have to cover a deficit in a former spouse's shortcomings as a father, and "children straighten up." Usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all points. Perhaps the corrector "parenting style of a stepparent can be effective over time, but only after an initial period of relationship building has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance of both parties. This can and usually does take years. Until then, stepfather is best placed to remain an authority figure and friendly firm that supports the role of biological father.

It is important that neither the biological father or stepfather to relinquish his role as the responsible adult in the house. Over time children will find comfortable, instead of resentment in the structure to defend. Keep in mind a interesting piece of research on children and their need for limitations: The researchers observed the children playing in a backyard. In the first case, the court was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close together and near the house. In the following case of children playing in the courtyard of the same size, this time with a security fence around it. The children enjoyed throughout the yard, now confident they were safe with a known limit in place. Lesson: Children need structure, boundaries, and the company and the presence of both a competent adult in their midst. Although outwardly to sows in the discipline of parents, below are relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what you might say, you know really want and need adults to be responsible.

Signs problems – What to consider

Each family has its ups and downs, and some families have additional challenges with "high needs" children, or even "high need" fathers. A certain amount of conflict is expected, and should not cause alarm.

However, some things are clear signs of a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these symptoms has been going on for more than a couple of weeks, it's time to seek help. Remember, we have not come into this world knowing how to build rockets without much training. Why should we expect that the management of the weaknesses of a reconstituted family must be an easier?

1. The couple has left talk among themselves about family problems, and even avoid one another's company. When speaking, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a great red flag because it represents a break in the willingness to work in teams, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with the conflicts to be difficult, is, until we have learned something effective conflict resolution skills. Mood: these work skills, and many therapists can help you learn with your spouse. It is actually easier than you think, and so rewarding to actually solve problems.

2. The home has become a democracy that children are too involved in making decisions. It is the role of parents to make decisions for children who are overwhelmed by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children a voice in family matters, in response to a far more nurturing of the children in the style of s '40 'and '50' s. I think this is a good change – children deserve to be heard, and the need to be heard, probably further. But being heard is a separate process of children making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, suggests the problems parents have to be adults themselves.

3. Some parents get into competition over their children, and children benefit of family resources. It becomes "my children from their children." Once parents are polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uncomfortable. Once again, parents will benefit by talking with others and develop a policy that everyone knows and accepts. This most often manifests itself in the older families, where couples have grown children who are waiting for family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples find it difficult to get past their fear of speaking openly about what they are comfortable. It is better, however, to speak through to wait and see how you play.

4. Parents are using relationship skills to solve family problems. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, regardless of the contribution of the other parent. Many stepparents parents have not been before marriage, and do not feel confident in their abilities. The easiest thing is the biological father to assume total control. This could be right at first, but over time is important for the role of parents stepparent, and when there are situations that he or she does not know how to handle that is the time to ask for help from the biological parents. It's okay to be a student. There is no one way to be the perfect parent, or there would be radical changes to a parenting style generation to the next. We are all experiencing. The biological father has been practicing since the birth of their children. Many parents move to enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And we all regress to the style of our own parents (no matter how much I hated grow) when we are stressed. Is required much to be a good father, so do not give up, but not resource use.

5. The stepfather is affected children's biological father who comes to visit. This of usually appears after the routine has been installed in step and parents believe that biological children are not as accepting of the new couple as they had hoped, or children are unruly. "It just will not warm to me," I often hear. This shows that there is always an underlying problem if someone, often children and spouses, they feel like strangers. Normally there is a little difficult history here that needs to be addressed – the "visiting" children have properly cared for during a nasty divorce, or suffer from their parents to move from the family home, or maybe the way parents are stuck in their expectation that his new life is not "profane" by the leftovers from a previous marriage. These are images hard, but they do reach people. When they do, is a strong indicator would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our wounds from childhood to the lives of our adults. There is no shame in that, but I hope that we will be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. The therapy is a good way to do that.

6. The new stepfather feels like the new nanny. This is what I call Mary "Poppins Myth," which some people expect their new partner will take the role father, while his biological father still lives at work or is removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that children are less willing to accept the new full-time father. Some partners do not realize they have put a load on her new partner, but think of it as the fulfillment of a family tradition: "that's just how it's done." If it is your tradition or not, you're still in a marriage requires commitment and more on our culture, a more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a facility for the resentment to take root

7. The children have stopped talking to the stepparent. In the first year or two, children tend to be more ambivalent about how to get around stepfather. But if they have approached and then have retired, there are problems. It is important to investigate sooner rather than later. Children are often less able to talk about problems than adults, and may be even more reluctant to say anything negative about a stepparent. However, if they feel hurt by a stepparent, and find his biological father is "siding with" the way to the parents, the child becomes more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who do not feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term detachment may develop and can take years to resolve. I've seen time and again, and sad of all, it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that small problems begin to translate as a pattern larger or attitude – a dynamic chronic everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in the original (not divorced) families as readily as in large families, but can be as destructive to be discussed here. When you reach the point where no one can talk about it without a blow-up, you have no choice but to resign: to see a couples counselor. It better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems are partners. If necessary, one or two sessions can include a child, to help everyone to share their story and be heard. It always amazes me how much he is discovered by the partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, so much to not know one another, often because they do not know what to ask, and often have difficulty hearing the answers. Couples therapists are experts at helping all the world really be heard. Once you know how you feel the other person below the surface of the problem, the solution is much more possible.

Does Overwhelming Mean Impossible – The therapy can help!

If taking in a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring joy tremendous when those moments happen eventually so hard won, and the son of your spouse voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When her stepdaughter calls down the aisle. When her stepson surprises years later with a simple thank you for being part of his life.

So many choices and directions for growth open when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think that therapy is "just nuts" that the therapy they need is a clear signal weakness or if you need it, something is wrong with you. That may have been true for decades, but both the therapy and those who use it have changed much in the recent years. Most people I see are very normal people who are in need a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they feel might overwhelmed by the enormity of the task before them life. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family change quickly in a much more satisfactory of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before seeking help, and then it's usually too late. Some therapists advocate treatment of marriage as we care for our cars: we bring in a tune. I personally have found nothing harder than being in a marriage and raising a child, and I think the assistance obtained through the therapy is the best resource that exists.

Above all, when a successful blended family, gives all the experience that the Marriage can work, the family can be a good thing, and we are lucky to come from family that loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice rough children blended families are able to look back with gratitude for their parents struggles and achievements. I am also seeing more adult children whose parents are not tied them at some point because of divorce, have met and learned to be friends. Very often these relationships begin with a simple cure gesture: reaching out.
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Thanks to the following people for their resources, knowledge and wisdom, and his generosity in sharing it.

Dr. James Bray, author of the Step Family: Love, marriage, parenting and the first decade, Broadway Books, 1998.

Ellyn Bader Institute of couples in Menlo Park, CA.

The following therapists who contributed to my understanding of the problems in blended families: Roxanne Barksdale, LCSW, Amy McNulty, Ph.D., Jean Sutton, LPC, Jean Pollock, LCSW, Janet Bychek, LCSW, and Don Wilde, Ph.D.
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Therapists For more articles on this and other topics, go to http://www.therapylinx.com.

About the Author

Beth Strong, MA, LPC
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